Kimberly Tucker first entered my life quietly through a door in a cute living doll’s house in Connecticut. I was a newly published author on a publishing tour in the US and in Connecticut for my first ever public lecture at Trinity College. Kimberly was an undiagnosed woman with Selective Mutism and severe social anxiety. She was towering and I felt very short in her presence. I was bouncy and she was timid, gentle and as humble as a human gets.
There was something magical about her, but clearly she saw herself as very, very ordinary.
Years later, Kimberly had an added diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome and I had the honour of reading Kimberly’s first book. Now I have trouble with receptive speech both spoken and written, so I’m just not a fluent reader, but Kimberly’s book grabbed me by the gut and throat and by the end I had cried a bucket.
She’s an awesome trooper, one of the wonderful people with with listings on http://www.auties.org  and it’s an honor to interview her… Here’s our interview:

DONNA:
Hi Kim, sorry about the gush! I hate gush, I know you do too, so just ignore it, I’m just playing journo…
Now seriously, as you know; I strongly support your writing.
Tell us about your book. It’s working title, a synopsis of the journey it captures.

KIMBERLY
You are right about the house where we met. I even built a doll’s house out of wood and painted it blue, the same shade of blue as that house in Deep River. It’s smashed to bits now. I took a blunt instrument to it. It was ruined in a moldy basement. But about my book’s title: I feel like I don’t recall the title at this point. Its been called “The Book,” “Holy Dust Motes,” “An Aspergers Journey- A Story Of Love and Loss” , “The Mime’s Box” and its even been named “Keeper of The Penis” which I know as ‘naughty autie’ you especially liked. I don’t think either of us realized just how many negative hits that may have generated in a google search had I kept that title.

DONNA:
Oh my God. Good point. AIAIAIAIAIA. Yes, I used to sign off as ‘Ever The Naughty Autie’ until someone pointed out that in the mainstream world this had sexual connotations and whilst I’m cheeky, non-conformist and sometimes somewhat feral (I’m quite the trickster, love to fool about, but only when social anxiety isn’t in the way), I’m not really kinky enough to use naughty in that way. So when I found another autie was using the title ‘the naughty autie’, I said, sure, go for it. Since then I’ve been ‘Ever the Arty Autie’ which fit’s me rather better given I’m a prolific artist on many different levels, enough that much of my autism is now engulfed by my Artism.

KIMBERLY
Just what IS the title now?
I think its a combination of the middle two titles mentioned here, right?

DONNA:
I like the title ‘The Mime’s Box’.

KIMBERLY
That sort of gives the visual of that invisible box a ‘mime’ carries around at all times; feeling their way out of. I relate to mimes. They either entertain people or annoy them. Besides they don’t have to talk. By the way Donna, you did a great synopsis in your Forward that you wrote for me. I guess I am still figuring out what journey i am on. I suppose ‘the book’ can only capture what journey I “have been” on. That’s impossibly long and I cannot sum that up. Oh, there was a penis involved in my personal ‘journey, but I assure you, I am really the person you described in the first paragraph (she says, grinning). I was its keeper, because Lou Gehrigs disease ravaged my spouse’s body. But…not his mind or sex drive. That is a very small part of ‘the book’.

DONNA:
Yes, it really was a small part of the book, but what struck me about it was your journey with identity. That you were a whole, arty, sensitive human but it was you who had to sacrifice much of your identity to being ‘the keeper of the penis’ and it’s that contrast, between how much more you were and how much you deserved in a life that had always been a harsh pretty rough road. That’s what’s so moving about your book, and the way you really transcend that limitation, and retain at least a private sense of self until your life allowed you to progressively become more.
I was your editor and mentor in that writing process. It’s kind of like being a midwife as someone gives birth, it sort of bonded me to you in a sisterly type way.

KIMBERLY:
If i may quote you [with some risk of embarrassing you, but also knowing you are the editor and can edit this out:] “Aw Shucks!”

To run with your midwife metaphor…Speaking from the author experience it’s probably more like one big extended pap smear for me as writer. Letting someone read one’s stuff is brutally exposing.

DONNA:
Tell us about that mentor relationship and how it worked.

KIMBERLY:
You have a good bedside -errr- computer-side manner. (I was still going with the “Donna/editor as midwife” metaphor.) Truthfully, during the whole process of ending up with the book, we did not end up with very much ‘afterbirth’ in the delete bin. But all that flustering around-the chapter arrangement, your advice about that sentence that was just too cliche (I agree) it was spot on. And afterbirth has to be there or the final product could never come about. You expel it, but it fed the good stuff in the beginning-got you where you were going. And you are right. like a good midwife you did know your business and you helped. The being exposed part was okay. because it was a like minded person there with me reading. It was you.

DONNA:
Oh, ta . See, that’s a great example of your rich writing style right there, and that’s another thing about you as a writer, that ‘go for the throat’ thing you have with words and style. I love that. And most writers really don’t have it, or only slivers of it. Really you just HAVE THAT.

You and I have unusual family backgrounds in some ways and it was also this which connected me to your book.

KIMBERLY:
I can’t really understand that word as it applies to me or to my background, or to my life in general. The word: Unusual. I can’t think of my background as unusual. You helped me be a secret sorter. What makes sense to put down? What is good to purge and delete? We went through this many years ago over snail mail if you recall. My book was taking shape back then because i simply cannot NOT write. Publish smublish— I’ll write anyway. if I was lost in the woods I’d be writing in sand and trying to develop ways to preserve what I’d written down. But I’m going off the question. I never knew my situation or family or anything was out of the ordinary.

DONNA:
Tell us a bit about your ‘background’.

KIMBERLY:
Let’s see, there is a rug with geometric designs under my feet…squares within squares within squares. And behind me a cabinet on which I have done mosaics with some broken plates. just kidding.

DONNA:
No, that was cool, oh quirky one, and an example of the humor and surrealism you have as a writer. Seriously.

KIMBERLY:
I wasn’t kidding. I mosaic on lots and lots of things. You mean my history/background. Only child. The word quiet would come to anyone’s mind. I don’t think shy is a fair descriptive term and I have always detested it. I’m chock full of opinions, ideas, run-on sentences, rude manners, , fun, dance, whimsy, and I’ll talk you up and not let you speak when I get going. Provided the environment’s just right. There have always been “ifs.” I sometimes even LOST my voice with the two people i cared about most, you know and that tore me up. What was wrong? I would toss clothespins with notes attached into the living room that said things like “Could we visit the cousins?” Then i’d hope they would pick up a note. I’d stand there all tensed up in the hall, digging my nails in the palms of my hands, couldn’t even flush a toilet at times like these as my senses were so heightened and the sound was too much-that gutteral sucking was just too much. That ol’ nastiness came back as an adult when my spouse got sick but I digress.
Anyway imagine standing there and you hope they see the note and the poodle sniffs it (the clothespin with the note attached) and lays back down and someone says, “Stop throwing things!”
Anyway i lived in some houses that were grey. I hated to leave them, every one of them. I wanted to somehow take them with me to the next place, and each boulder and tree and path.

DONNA:
Ah, you are the poet. I bow. Seriously, not many writers impress me but you are a writer by heart. Oh please, someone publish this woman!
You went on to become a ghost writer. Many people won’t really know what that involves.
Tell us about the nuts and bolts of that process.
KIMBERLY:
I’m the nut, and the bolt of the process is the person you write the book for. I HAD to say that.

DONNA:
Ah, you would. You poet, you. Should I quit my job as poet and writer now? You would give me a run for my money in a writer’s duel… now there’s an idea!

KIMBERLY:
A person who ghostwrites can work from videos, audio (recorded files). They can talk via phone. I ended up asking my client 100 questions, and his wife too. I wanted descriptives like: What was Iran’s weather like? What color was the roof of your childhood home in Iran? What about the hospital waiting room at the Burn Center? The chairs there? I was lucky to have testimonies and e-mails from doctors and friends and family members involved in the story, even the pastor who found Tony burning on the street. The book I wrote, Reborn Through Fire; took seven months. I compiled everything, trying to use Tony’s “voice” as if i were him speaking. As in, “I did this,” Tony speaking, in first person. But more than that. Words he would actually choose, taking his accent into account and so forth.

DONNA:
Ha, ha, perhaps I’ll point out as your one time editor that Iran has a capital ‘I’ and so do ‘i’–
Or I’ll just remind readers that that’s what an editor does… little stuff like picking up on where ‘i’ should be ‘I’ and a writer’s craft is far harder, to be a wordsmith, not just clever but beautiful, wild, exciting in the ART of one’s written expression… and that’s what I think Kimberly has. God, I’m sounding like a fan… this is unheard of, I don’t gush, I don’t even like gush or gushers… see look what ya made me do Kim!
Aside from being a writer, you’re an artist, craftsperson and a mime artist.
Want to tell us about your other arts, what they are, where the inspiration comes from and what they mean to you?

KIMBERLY:
As an aside I can’t resist saying that some years ago I had an accident with a kitchen knife on Thanksgiving Day (my 30th birthday) rendering half of my left middle finger numb. (excuse coming on). Often times I will press down the SHIFT key and I think I’ve pressed it down fully but I have not, and that results in ‘i’ instead of ‘I.’ There is no accounting for the rest of my bad punctuation. I am a wordsmith but the words- they just aren’t ‘contained’ well. Maybe because they originate from me; they detest conformity.
Mosaics. Sewing. Quilling. Quilting. Decoupage. Murals. Woodcarving. Painting. Used to make elves out of felt. Little dolls. no time anymore. That came about because Binghamton and Thaddeus live under my refrigerator.

DONNA:
I won’t ask, let them guess… see, you cheeky writer you.

KIMBERLY:
Speaking of elves, I have a marvelous mentor named Zsolt Megai, a humble 70ish Hungarian teacher/mentor/motorcycle enthusiast I see every Wednesday who is a talented woodcarver, glassworker, and painter. He tells wonderful stories. I am blessed to know him.

DONNA:
Oh, wild, as one does, huh? God, you are lucky. He has the character and name of something from a film script… Hey, good idea, I’ll write him into my next one.
I wrote a Dystopian Epic Romance called Mc Reedy’s Christmas. He’s got the texture of my character Delf.

KIMBERLY:
You are right about Zsolt being a fabulous character. I wrote a short fiction called “Ziggy”, based on him. Donna, we think alike. (Zsolt doesn’t know I wrote about him.) I visit him as part of Connecticut’s Pilot Project. I don’t do very well with the carving and in fact being so clumsy with a knife its amazing I haven’t cut my self yet. (Carving = whittling.) But I just finished an elf/gnome character I designed my self and it is teaching me to think in three dimension. I believe it will help me in my . The figure is in 3 dimension and stands about 7 inches high. Zsolt has named him Rudolph. I have given him a beaded necklace and a glass globe for the hand behind his back. Zsolt gave me a walking stick for the little man which we epoxied into place. Its from New Mexico.

In regard to my ‘emotional’ crash one week in early 2008, it was so complete, I canceled my woodcarving class as I couldn’t even tolerate enjoyable time with a good chum such as Mr. Megai. I never choose to be rendered hedgehog-like; balled : in and out. Quite frankly the nonsense was no surprise because I am familiar with it (its maddening when one truly wants to be fluent and address relevant issues like Amanda Baggs and Michelle Dawson, peers I admire and I decided that in this interview I will not touch on the subjects they address so eloquently. I am still a bit wonky. In time I will find even more voice. There is a deep well and the water down there is fresh. It just isn’t very clear at this writing.)

Sometimes if I am not fully aware of the self, I walk in front of cars. Takes time to be back from the depths. Hearing loss complicates sensory issues, of course. (Otosclerosis) But this invisible box (mime’s box?) is complete sometimes. Perhaps I have subconsciously imagined nothing penetrating it for so long that I rationalize even oncoming cars are no match for me. Many times my daughter or Barb pull me back. They help me cross streets.

I used to dress in mime. I ‘felt’ in my element. i am in an invisible box anyway, like the mime and the mime’s elusive box, right? I put on mime attire and make-up a lot when my spouse was dying.

DONNA:
Yes, and you have a fab pic of yourself as a mime on your site. People should check it out. Better still, hire you as a mime for their next autie-friendly fair or expo because if you are as good as a mime as you are as a writer they’d get a bargain.
You’ve just become involved with documentary maker Keri Bowers who, together with her son Taylor Cross made the award winning documentary, Normal People Scare Me.

KIMBERLY:
Yes I saw the shortened version of the film and met Keri and Taylor for dinner.
DONNA:
What’s that all about?

KIMBERLY:
It was about my paintings. Some of them were showing in New Haven at the time.
Some other paintings are touring and can be seen showing at Boston Library Allston Ma, May 3-May 31, 2008, and Mass. State House Boston Ma. June 3-June 13, 2008 as part of “Seeing With A Different Eye”; Art by Adults with Asperger’s Syndrome.
info@aane.org or http://www.aane.org

About Keri Bower and our meeting, it was regarding the artwork placed in Small Space Gallery in New Haven, Ct. Its this Gallery where the documentary stuff was filmed. Somehow i got talked into a dinner with Keri Bowers and her tall son Tyler along with a peer of mine Brendan, who also has work showing at Small Space. The next thing we know, during dinner, she asks Brendan and I to return the following day and meet her at the Gallery and she filmed us. [Brendan is worth seeing the film for.] I came away wishing I were more like him. I don’t wish for much so when I wish- I really wish. ‘Cause remember what I told you my mother told me? “If wishes were horses Kimmy, beggars could ride.”

DONNA:
Oooo, she’s showing off folks, just want ya ta know, the writer is showin’ off!

KIMBERLY:
So Brendan is not only a talent with his animation skills, but he will be a stand-out in Keri’s film, which will be called ARTS. I was his contrast. I asked to do the interview for the film privately. I had five or so staring ladies leave the room. Keri didn’t mind.
I think ARTS comes out in October. If I may pose a question to the interviewer (you have edit option anyway) aren’t you in this documentary film too? You know, I was told there is a cool “fade to cartoon” thing. And I never, almost never use the word cool. You and I may become cartoon characters. I hope I’m not wrong about hearing Keri say that. Won’t be the first time I misunderstood something.

DONNA: Yeah, I’m in the arts film too. I met Keri Bowers and Taylor Cross in my hotel room when visiting LA. I was there meeting with regards to the film of and Keri and Taylor asked to meet. They were lovely, very autie-friendly.

KIMBERLY
I agree.

DONNA
Kim, you know I support your book like crazy and that you have a chance to self publish it for free via http://www.cafepress.com if you don’t get a publisher for it. What’s it like plugging away trying to get it a publisher?

KIMBERLY:
Like i said before, publish smublish. Some people save every rejection letter. I just don’t. But there have been many. They absolutely don’t put a dent in me at all. Hugs put more dents in me than rejection letters. Words just have to get out lest they float out my mouth and suffocate me while i sleep. Hordes of inky Times New Roman text jumbling all around in foamy word nonsense drool leaking down my chin. Can’t let that happen. Got to make sense of all that’s going on in here (she taps her head) whether it means getting published or not. That means it hits a napkin. Or a screen, or something. Sometimes you let it go-if someone decides its worth x amount of dollars then i can !surprise! pay my water bill without struggle. Wonderful! I don’t obsess or dwell. I happen to adore words, to love them. To get paid for rearranging them into sentences-its a plus. I never had some lifelong “dream”: Oh boy I’ll write a book. NO i wanted to be a ballerina. We see how that turned out.

DONNA:
Oh that’s so funny. I didn’t want to be a ballerina but I was trained for it. I did love the netting and satin though and those shoes smell great, and I loved the music and movement and the regimental army thang of training was probably majorly good for me given my brain and body weren’t on speaking terms, I had very little receptive language and could learn best through physical patterning, and had no attention span or impulse control. Hats off to the boss of that decision. I’ve no regrets. But being on stage wasn’t for me… yet learning TO DO IT probably is behind why I can hack lecturing and presenting as a ‘pragmatic exercise’… wild what things teach you, it’s often never what others might imagine. And I really support music, art and dance therapy with some auties.
What advice do you have for other first time writers?

KIMBERLY:
Ballerinas…My tutu had pink sequins and was kept behind a charcoal bag on the top shelf in a horrid green entry pantry. It winked when I passed, when it caught light. I thought it beautiful. Unattainable of course. unrealistic. Sarcastically it winked. Haha! You will never wear me. Never master the grace you desire! Perhaps the most memorable film scene I saw as a child was Hans Christian Anderson, and he falls in love with a ballerina. He spends hours making ballerina slippers of many colors-all by hand. They all have long ribbons which cascade down…He presents this bouquet of shoes to his love interest in the movie scene, the ribbons flowing. I wept. Advice for writers, you ask me?
I certainly think reading is fundamental! Seriously, it is.

DONNA:
Oh no, you’ve broken my heart now (just joking). I detest reading. I have written more books than I have thoroughly read. Receptive language processing issues mean I can read snippets, lists, paragraphs with meaning but not whole pages, it just all tumbles and the meaning drops out. So I can research, to a degree, but can’t follow written instructions or learn from books. I can scan-read and that’s how I ate sociology texts for 4 years but I can’t really read novels to save my life. I can read to edit, though, and I have loved a few books. I read Memoirs of A Geisha (my reading claim to fame… I mean it is CHUNKY and just knowing I read a big book like that makes me real proud) and I read James Herriot’s little animal stories (they are in nice digestible chunks) and I read yours, not just scanned it, but being editor helped. My husband Chris EATS print. He devours all print, even bumph on sides of cereal boxes. And he has filled our house with print. I used to throw some of out, shred it, because print really daunts me, guess it’s like that for many dyslexics (my father and brothers hardly read) but I do read snippets in New Scientist thanks to him… just bite sized bits now and then, and that’s a really great influence. There was a time I hadn’t read a whole page for months. So he keeps my reading muscles from rusting, as do these interviews and editing work.

KIMBERLY:
I go to the library because i just love research. AND I love libraries. Just adore them. I have many interests. I love the history of my town. I used to love everything dust-related. Still do, really. And i have a “crow” thing. But at the library where it smells like books, try a book in a style and time period you would never try. Anyway its something I have always done. I read something and then I say ‘wow’ this voice from the past is talking to me. It may not be your style but it will help your own voice develop. I remember when my voice came through. It was the one that had been there all along; rehashing the day’s events when I could not get to sleep at night and the one rhyming hysteria with wisteria when I was taking long walks downtown. Listen to it.

DONNA:
If publishers would like to contact you to get a look at your manuscript where would they contact you?

KIMBERLY:
my e-mail is:
kgtconeywheel.kaye@gmail.com
I am in Seymour, CT, USA.

DONNA:
I know you’d be excited to do mime work or face painting.

KIMBERLY:
Uh I dunno about touching people. I may be able to do it. I don’t ‘get excited’ too easily. Although I did want this job recently at Long Wharf Theater; painting scenery for the backdrops. But not for the painting- just for the immersion and the hanging around the drama. In fact, Keri turned the camera off after my ARTS film interview and suggested I become involved in drama somehow, probably for some of the reasons you named. Anyway transportation was an issue for that job. I have learned taxis and buses. Like many of my peers on the spectrum, the operation and maneuvering of tons of metal through impossibly narrow and busy thoroughfares with bustling distractions, oncoming metal and crazy distortions has been an issue.

Many spectrumites drive and many do not. I get lost pretty easily. And overwhelmed by noise. I also forget how to do a thing even when I’ve already learned it once or twice. There is definitely a depth perception problem and recently i was told i was not a good candidate. Its the thinking, “how much space is really between me, my shirt, the door, then comes the other car’s door and a person… but what’s the thickness of their coat and doesn’t it vary per car? Or truck?” These and other things I ask my self. For one, I can’t tell distance at all. From me, and the front going up where the wheels are and then I can’t SEE them turning.
Add parking to the mix. Tight spaces. That’s doing too much.

DONNA:
If I am on high Salicylates, off of omega 3s, off Glutamine and with my off, that’s my reality too… hence 8 write-offs in my first 8 years of driving. But these days I do pretty well, although I have some tints which work far better than the seemingly clear looking ones I prefer to wear (all these auties got into dark and colored tints so I rebelled and went to the clearest looking ones I could… typical non-conformist). But my blue one’s work great, I can see all the traffic interacting. With my clear looking one’s (they’re BPI DD400, a UV snow tint) I see mostly whole cars but can tend to lose the traffic or fail to process some things in relation to others. But I’m also so tuned to movement that lack of processing isn’t such an issue and my reaction times are quicker than those who have to UNDERSTAND what they see. I just FEEL what isn’t USUAL. Sort of ‘cat drives car’ I expect. Anyway, proof of the pudding is in the tasting they say, and I’ve had no accidents in 16 years (except 1 that wasn’t my fault and the car drove out from a side street in front of me).
Back to hiring you. I’m presuming the contact you gave would be the same contact for that for anyone interested in hiring you?

KIMBERLY:
Those specific glasses are ones I’ve wanted for sometime now. I got off topic but yes and there’s this website: http://www.kimberlytucker.bravehost.com

DONNA:
And what area would that be?

KIMBERLY:
east coast, USA. Connecticut.

DONNA:
I know you make funky autie-friendly dolls.
Do you have a website where people can see samples?
If not, you can get a free one at where you can upload pics of your work onto your own online gallery.
I hope people get to see them.

KIMBERLY:
I have the website above which is a work in progress. I didn’t find elf pictures but I’m hoping to add pictures of elves soon. My site has other pictures of paintings, but certainly not all of them have been loaded. And sometimes after I load the pictures they disappear. Again, things that belong to me take on my traits, eh?

DONNA:
Anything you’d like to add or tell people?

KIMBERLY:
Well I’ve been up (as in spirits, being optimistic despite personal stressors) a long time even though recently I’ve had a lot of reasons to be down. Relationship trouble may be a hallmark of folks like me, eh? Anyway I remained optimistic even when people who I thought cared about me, called me “crazy” and “childlike.” I AM eccentric. Its the tone people use when they say things. That’s what hurts. I am a friend I’d choose for my self. There is NOTHING inherently wrong with the BEing of child-like in a person. Oh suck it up, my inner voice said. just words.

But they were spoken in tones that were vile; spitting and accusatory and mean and meant to wound. It isn’t enough to accept yourself? You really care that others judge you? that’s the problem with verbal abuse. You begin to hear the tones and the hurt sinks in and you believe it. Then I shook like a puppy dog, took your advice Donna, crawled out of my self pity hole and let it all go. This person’s opinion does not matter in the scheme of things. Funny thing, I still care about her, despite all the harshness that went on. I can do without emotions. Sometimes I believe that.

The breakdown. I went to a college (SCSU) a few months ago. It was not really explained why I was there. It was a boardroom setting, televised. I had an opportunity to give valuable insight and information to a focus group. I spoke every time the microphone came along in front of me and even asked for it once (by motioning.)

BUT there was a man who had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and he said he felt people should reconsider what the term “disability” meant. I wanted him to clarify. Because in the room with us were blind people, a person who’d been stabbed, folks wheelchair-bound. Who wouldn’t feel humbled when someone else’s disability was so plainly there for all to see? I wanted to say it. And didn’t. I wanted to say, “Don’t discount the nature of your own disability (PTSD) or the seriousness of it; the toll it no doubt takes on you. Just because all of us in this room cannot see it-does not make it less there.” But I DID NOT say that. And such was the nature of MY disability showing itself that day. A constipation of the tongue and mind and nothing working.

Barb Kanner, my advocate with the Pilot program, she said “You made some good points.” but did I? Because I crashed fully when i got home. I even argued with her on the phone. Over what amounted to nothing. I felt sorry for me and all the SPOKEN words I can never say. And there she was on the phone trying to set up another meeting to eradicate a housing issue with my landlord. “Get the ball rolling” she said. And I did not want to go. I was all meeting’ed out. I realized the depth of disability. Communication in the form of a device that day would’ve made me so bright and informative at the college instead of a stuttering fool.

I want so much more than what i am sometimes. I never hate myself. I never hate being on the spectrum. I wouldn’t change that. it took a lot for me to have that crash.

The following night i was vocal at a resident council meeting. so go figure. maybe the lighting and seating arrangement were in my favor. I can’t say.

I’m a strange bird. maybe a crow. Someone looked at my hair the other day and instead of saying “did you always have dark hair?” he said, “Were you always a raven?” He was on the spectrum.

DONNA:
Oh, heck, there you go, signing off with an awesome piece of prose. Can’t help yourself you artist, you! Thanks so much for the interview. I think you’re awesome and an inspiration and people should get to read your book and find out why.

KIMBERLY:
Aw shucks, again…

DONNA:
Warmly,

Donna Williams *)
author, artist, composer, screenwriter,
http://www.donnawilliams.net
http://www.auties.org