Those who have been close friends with me will know I have an extremely poor sense of my value to any other human being. I do get my value in relation to Chris but I am just not oriented to think about or hold onto the information about my worth or value to others.

There are those able to escape abusers, to leave families that make them crazy – I’m one of those people – but those relatives absolutely can’t imagine how I FAILED to become ‘invested’. I WAS deeply close to several people before the age of 4 but lost them all: Sister Jellie, Mrs Capellazzo, my paternal grandparents and to a large degree also my father. Chris has reawakened those roots, but mostly I am socially the extension of that 4 year old who had lost all those she felt deep belonging with. Then I largely became the people watcher.

I do understand being USEFUL and this was my most tangible way to track that others valued me. I do have fun with people but I tend not to reflect and say those people found me to be fun. Chris and I run an autism friendly dinner club… been going for 8 years now… recently its numbers hit 16 people and I wondered why they kept coming along. People expressed they enjoyed my company and I find this very odd but interesting. They said this was evident by the fact they kept returning… I tend to think oh people must be enjoying the food, the place, or it’s habit…. the idea that people would come back because they enjoy the company is not natural for me….

I DO go places AND I enjoy my time there. I take the people to be part of the atmosphere. I enjoy them, connect with them, but then I go home, get on with my life and attribute virtually no significance to this. It just IS.

This is a rather Zen way to live, but I have come to realise that other people aren’t like this… that its a social-emotional autism thing… whether cognitive, personality, patterning… but I’m missing some of the ‘glue’. Can’t say I’m worse for it, and it has advantages… I don’t experience any depth of rejection. On the other hand I think people have a need to know their feelings for you are deeply valued by you. And they actually are – in a generic way – but I guess their EGO needs that, for it to be more personal, and I’m too Schizoid/Schizotypal as my foundations so that’s not my forte.

I see the pain it causes people, to not be popular, to not be admired or not have recognition (and even many autistic people pine for these things). Yet I have all of these things but they are like holding feathers in gloved hands… they are there, I can vaguely ‘get’ their essence, their nature, yet their importance evades me.

Even death cannot daunt me the way it does others. I see life as an amusement park to enjoy the rides, a sculptor’s workshop to ‘take shit, make sculptures’. I enjoy my life, my love, my connections, but I feel extremely pragmatic about the realities.

Donna Williams, BA Hons, Dip Ed.
Author, artist, singer-songwriter, screenwriter.
Autism consultant and public speaker.
http://www.donnawilliams.net

I acknowledge Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people as the Traditional Owners of this country throughout Australia, and their connection to land and community.