Do we all have a real self?  Can we be trained by rote to perform as a non-self until connection with the real self is lost?  If those on the autism spectrum rely on rote learned repertoires, lines and roles, can this become a mental health issue?  If someone identifies their selfhood with their disability to a degree they have no interest or drive to challenge their own obstacles or step outside of the stereotypes is this a form of self-disablement or is it part of spiritual health?  If someone challenges their disabilities, categories or labels to do the unexpected, are they sell-outs, frauds, or reflecting badly, unfairly on those who either find themselves unable, afraid or uncomfortable doing so?  Can a role be played so often, so well or become so valued or expected by others that it essentially becomes a replacement for the real self?  Where does rote learning and role playing become a whole other beast to dissociation?

We all have personality traits and of the 16 main identified ones most of us will have around 4-5 which manifest majorly in our lives.  These may each be compatible with each other, or may form internal clashes.  So, for example, I have a trait which is solitary and another which is self sacrificing.  One liked to be alone and separated from society, the other likes to be helpful and give to people.  On another level, both are disquiet with gush, fuss, overt praise or melodrama.  So there are built in clashes and sympathies.  So even our so called ‘real self’ can shift.  In the hands of some mental health conditions such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rapid Cycling Bipolar, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder , Reactive Attachment Disorder, or Personality Disorder these splits and shifts may become even more extreme.

Our environments can be kind and sensitive, extremely damaging and traumatic or everywhere in between.  And these things will shape which of our traits add to or detract from our survival.   For example, I’m also highly idiosyncratic, a natural non-conformist.  Yet it was essential to my survival that I behave in a highly conscientious, perfectionist as a dancer.  So I developed a strong ability to stick to a task and abide by the routine.  I became a ‘good soldier’ even though in most other arenas I remained ‘feral’.

All of us can have divisions –

• the sexual versus the everyday person
• the child versus the teenager
• the addict or substance abusers versus the semblance of normality
• the member of one’s own culture versus who we make ourselves in the host culture
• the gay person versus the one passing as straight
• the sociopath versus the good citizen
• the person with mental health issues on versus off their medication
• the ill person versus the healthy one one feels one should be
• the person on a diet versus the one taking ‘just one more biscuit’
• the verbal self versus the typing self
• the academic self versus the everyday person
• the professional versus the civilian
• the famous person versus the everyday person
• the parent versus the person
• the private versus the public self
• the trauma survivor versus the person split and in denial of their trauma and its consequences
• the disabled person versus what they wish they could do
• the functioning person versus the parts which struggle to function

And there will be those who lose the balance, or find themselves in environments which don’t respect the balance.  There will be those who need a break from their environments to gain a clearer perspective of how to get into a healthier space or to accept and come to terms with a part (even larger part) of themselves nobody even seems to care is unwanted.  There will be those afraid to acknowledge all sides of themselves for fear they might then not completely fit any one label or what people might say if they defied accepted stereotypes associated with their position or label.

Some journeys in life involve the progressive splitting off or burial of significant parts of oneself.

Other journeys will be in the reclaiming of those parts.

Yet further journeys may be about weighing up what is real self, what is conditioning, and is it ok to be adventurous and explore one’s own limits?

Is it ok to test one’s own limitations, knowing one can bend but doesn’t have to break, that one can visit but not have to stay to the point one breaks down.

Ultimately, the only loyalty that matters is loyalty to oneself for without that ill health will eventually follow.

Donna Williams *)

http://www.donnawilliams.net
author, artist, singer-songwriter, screenwriter