Autism and Hope for Forgiveness.
I wrote that finding out I was autistic gave me “hope for forgiveness”. When I friend asked me what this phrase meant, I replied:
* to forgive oneself for never being ‘normal’, for ‘failing’ in the ‘normal’ world.
* to forgive others for all the ways they used and abused me because they were ignorant of just how hard I was trying, ignorant of my trapped humanity, ignorant of my emotional richness and depth and that I was WATCHING them and not as oblivious as they imagined.
* to forgive the world its inequalities, its discrimination, its ignorant assumptions of ‘one normality’, one ‘reality’, one ‘way’ to fit in and its views on who does and doesn’t ‘contribute’ to society and be ‘worthy of life’.
* to forgive the world for giving me alienation instead of welcome when I was just as human as anyone else.
forgiveness is vast.
copyright Donna Williams 2006
author, artist, screenwriter.
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing indeed. I found I was able to forgive my doctor(s)- I had more than one psychiatrist- for misdiagnosing me and subsequently prescribing wrong medication, and my parents for making me take them dutifully for a little more than three years. Life after forgiveness is easier because one is not carrying the baggage of being angry and wanting revenge.
ai
My journey with labels was quite different… from thought deaf, tested and observed in hospital for 3 days, I was dismissed as \’psychotic\’ at age 2 in 1965. Then in primary school in the 1970s, I was still being tested for deafness at age 9 and found I was listed as \’disturbed\’ on the school attendance roll, a label that followed me into secondary school. So when I was diagnosed as autistic the first assumption of experts was that I\’d never been psychotic or disturbed. There was no point being angry with people struggling to understand because autism wasn\’t understood then, and I dare say the understanding of it we have today will look different again in ten years from now.
But with coming to terms with life long co-morbid mood, anxiety and compulsive disorders in adulthood, I think I\’m happy now to accept I was autistic AND pretty nuts and VERY VERY Donna. That some lives are really odd shapes that don\’t fit neatly into the spaces made for them, so they end up making a space that fits better, or at least more or less, or gets content not fitting.
The important thing for me is knowing that none of that makes me any less than any other human being on this planet.
I was on antibiotics for 26 years for constant infections my immune system couldn\’t fight and which probably wiped out what was left o f my immunity. I was put on supplements and medicated at age 9 or so on \’nerve tablets\’ (probably valium) and then at 12 or so on anti-inflammatories for severe joint pains. I needed a mood leveller, not a sedative and I needed a low salicylate diet more than anti-inflammatories and after years on them, I\’m sure they did little for the two immune deficiencies that they left untreated, but I think they did the best they knew at the time.
I never felt my personality was being medicated and nobody was trying to \’cure\’ me. People were dealing with pretty erratic, sometimes dangerous, often worrying behaviours and at times I was in danger of becoming so manic or withdrawn nobody knew where that could go.
History is a classroom and all sorts of people learn in it. Hopefully, we also learn FROM it.
Nice to see you Athena.
🙂 Donna.
Hello Donna,
Your journey through life has been one challenge after another, Im in awe of you, you must be a very strong woman! You have come out of this long hard journey with wisdom and a wonderful sense of humour, two qualities many would have lost! Being able to forgive is just another of your wonderful character traits.
When my son was diagnosed with aspergers I was very upset, angry and worried. I blamed myself and thought I must have done something wrong during my pregnancy. This was not the case. I have realised I am blessed to have a child like Robert. He makes my world a better place and his way of looking at the world has taught me more than any school or teacher ever has. He is happy, clever, sometimes loving and always a sunny spot in a sometimes cloudy world. Thank you Donna you inspire me to try even harder to understand my sons world. I never judge him and always encourage him with his interests, I hope I am doing the right thing with him. Having your site to go to give me hope that I am. Regards, Robyn :~)
Thank you for your lovely letter Robyn.
You are also a wonderfully open and generous soul.
When we are open to journies we find all kinds of magic.
🙂 Donna Williams *)