Emotional Incest – Too close for comfort?
Reading an article on emotional incest I came across some interesting inter-generational dynamics. Emotional incest was more prevalent in parents with their own challenges and the impact on their children seemed to have some interesting implications for social-emotional interaction patterns in their children. Could parents of kids diagnosed with ASD be more at risk of emotional incest which in turn exacerbates issues commonly identified with adults with Asperger’s?Interestingly, in our progressively more single parent society, emotional incest was more likely to develop in single parent families, where one or both parents has a developmental, psychiatric or emotional ‘disorder’, or is displaced or controlled by another family member or used substitute babysitters such as the TV.
It can result in issues as vast as identity conflict, chronic anger, a sense of life being meaningless, obsessions and compulsions, learning disabilities, anxiety disorders, attachment disorders, separation anxiety, addictions, depression, anhedonia, suicide…..
In the case of father-daughter emotional incest, disenfranchised fathers compensate by becoming emotionally over involved with their daughters. The emotional cost of father-daughter emotional incest includes stress and anxiety disorders, mental and physical illness, identity disorders and underdeveloped and confused sense of identity and depression.
As adults the daughters are emotionally immature, erratic, unable to sustain functional relationships or end up drawn to those which are unrewarding so keep them involved with their fathers instead. It’s easy to see how this becomes so intergenerational.
But mother-son emotional incest was even more interesting in the context of ASD remarkably resembling some of the emotional-behavioral challenges seen in adults on the spectrum.
from http://www.soulwork.support/mother-son-emotional-incest/
This is not to say that those with AS are victims of untreated emotional incest, but given that ASD is a multifaceted condition for which holistic answers address the various components its perhaps worth keeping an open mind whether in our modern society family dynamics are increasing the incidence of emotional incest which ASD parents may be more susceptible to. Just look at The Jerry Springer show, Dr Phil and and the like, and ask yourself do we still live in the same society we did 10 or 20 years ago. Interestingly the Supermom syndrome promoted by a progressively pigeon holing, voyeuristic media-dominated society is highly linked with mother-son emotional incest. Whilst there are certainly attachment disordered children with Reactive Attachment Disorder who have never formed bonds there are equally those damaged by over bonding. The money spinning Western ’emotional bonding’ industries making a fortune spreading their new gospel around the world may need to wake up if law suits are to follow for psychological-emotional damages resulting from their related therapies. When will we learn the Taoist principles that BALANCE means health? That MORE is not necessarily better? When the corporate money spinners and organized moralizer collectives get out of our ears and eyes long enough to stop being our new ‘parents’ so we might get back to having minds of our own?
How much might social dynamics be breeding dysfunctional patterns and contribute to the increase in ASD diagnosis now heading for one in 100 children?
To see how close mother-son emotional incest may resemble or exacerbate ASD challenges, here’s some of the listed consequences:
If people do not appreciate Son’s specialness, Son may attack (become a bully) or withdraw (become a nerd). Son fears not being special enough and dreads Mother’s rejection. Son may become a model passive good boy to please Mother. Or he may rebel against Mother to please Father – perhaps becoming aggressive or delinquent. If he swings between these two extremes – he may be diagnosed as passive-aggressive or with bipolar disorder.
Some men feel that they were not properly mothered. They may complain that they were not loved in the right way, or not long enough, or that their mothers were absent or preoccupied with their work. They may have many mother-bonded traits, yet behave like an adult child – age-regressed.
from http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/little_prince.htm
Selective Mutism, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, mood and anxiety disorders and attachment disorders are conditions which commonly complicate the lives of those with ASDs and will be made worse in families which breed emotional incest. Those who overprotect, take over too soon or constantly outshine the abilities of their as yet developed child will also breed learned dependency, exacerbating any existing learning and developmental disabilities. labeling those with these issues as ‘special’ often means we then segregate them, or at least fail to integrate them and often this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Whilst the world searches for genetic causes of ASD and mental emotional challenges, perhaps they should give at least equal weight to searching and identifying the pathological memes that cripple so many people and leave them needlessly burdened only to pass those burdens on to any next generations.
Interestingly, emotional incest is also referred to as ‘sexuality abuse’. This is NOT sexual abuse (the two can co-occur or occur separately), but they are inferring that the detrimental impact of emotional incest on the child’s development of their own healthy sexuality is a major factor.
For those looking for further information, the articles on the following links may make clearer the division between healthy parent-child emotional bonding and emotional incest, here’s a number of links.
http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/joy_21.htm
http://www.webheights.net/Growingbey…plove/plei.htm
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/re…/dp/055335275X
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/re…est%20syndrome
http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product//155…303738-3662437
http://www.darvsmith.com/dox/codependency_book.html/50739
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Andersen3.html
http://www.menweb.org/gurilee.htm
covert and emotional incest is also mentioned on Wikipedia
href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest
and here are medical papers featuring the subject.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11928204?dopt=Abstract
http://archpsyc.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=491072
http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/23708156?uid=3737536&uid=2&uid=4&sid=21106067020741
Donna Williams, BA Hons, Dip Ed.
Author, artist,and presenter.
http://www.donnawilliams.net
I acknowledge Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people as the Traditional Owners of this country throughout Australia, and their connection to land and community.
hi Donna
i so glad to get in touch with you
i do not know if this is the right place to email u but here it is : i saw an autistic boy in the subway yesterday, who kept doing five curls with a string around one of his finger, looking at his “creation” with a smile on his face.
what do u think about it?
i m looking forward to getting some clues, as a big fan of your books
take care
jo
This is probably a strange place to post that reply but it’s no problem.
I think its good this little boy with ARTism was enjoying his creation and the mystery of the physics of its ravelling and unraveling and aesthetics of its formation and visual mathematics. But of course only he knows what it was to him. It may well also have been a comfortable way to live on the peripheries watching all, including you 😉
In any case all that matters is that one’s place in the vast diversity of society is respected.
Have you read Autism and Sensing; The Unlost Instinct ?
It’s all about sensory and sensing worlds of pattern, theme and feel.
Enjoy the subway, it has some great echo and lines.
🙂 Donna *)
excellent blog! I just found you and I am astounded. My sone was just diagnosed with Asperger’s and my mom, I suspect could potentially be autisitc. This rings too true with my family. Excellent food for thought! I plan on adding your link to my blogroll. Well writen and thought provoking. I will be back!!
Hi Donna,
I’ve unfortunately married a “Mother’s son” last year, and ever since my life has been and keeps on being disturbed in ways I cannot even describe. We actually lived together 3 years previous to the marriage, but I had little clue of what was going to happen, because his perfect, saint, beloved mom was living abroad.
And she showed up for the wedding, of course. It was like all she had to do wash to push a button and switch my wonderful husband into a brainless puppet.
What i must deal with now is a cold, unable to express feelings, angry, stubborn, absent man. We no longer have any sex life at all. I dared a few times complaining about his mom violating our intimacy and what I got back was aggressive denial and in the end the conclusion that I am guilty of it all, not that I know what “all” would be.
He’s constantly worried about her feelings and overdoing things to please her, make her happy (she’s a saint, divorced by a cheating husband, and her son is supposed to support her meaningless life). Yet, should I cry my eyes out with loneliness and unhappiness, he would not move a finger.
I am so helpless and do not know how to deal with this at all.
I do not want to leave him, but how can I stay?
Rodica.
sounds like you definitely need a relationship counsellor even if you’re the only one who goes. But I do think that only when he is stuck with his ‘other woman’ in the absence of a real relationship will he or she ever break away. At present you’re the competition and that may even spur her on, give her purpose to stay and ‘defend’ him, ‘care’ for him and he’s gone all ‘paint by numbers’ according to some old childhood protocol. So your autonomous departure may be the only thing that would change that dynamic but only if they are both certain you don’t need him, have modelled a truly autonomous life as a whole self loving individual and show no desire to return to a trap. Then they may tire of their own game which I think would run out of steam once its no longer a triangle. So maybe go borrow Shirley Valentine and do a Shirley and build your own non-co-dependant life and be the change you want to see. Either way you will lose something, but this way at least you’d salvage yourself. One thing is for sure only each person can save themselves. And if he never escaped her in the past, if it was she who had left for overseas, then this man-child may never find the va-voom to take that action, she’d have to be the one to tire of ‘the job’, ‘the cause’ and she may only do that once she feels trapped with it and can’t feel trapped whilst she feels she’s vindicated, got a cause a raison d’etre… just my view… do get a counsellor.
At almost 53, I am struggling with the impact that my mom’s covert incest had upon me as a single parent mom and continuing when she married again. She succeeded in separating me from my dad. He told me once that the big argument in the house after I was born was her desire to raise me on a pink pillow and his desire to raise me as an all American boy which I never felt like I was despite all my high school and college athletics. My step-dad turned out to be a disappointment and a weak man under he control. All in all, this led me to become bi-sexual which I tried to run aways from by becoming super spiritual. When I did finally marry and start my own family, it was rather late in life just like my dad.
Hi John, glad you’ve got your life back in your hands. I guess some people should get a handbag Chihuahua instead (poor Chihauhau).
Donna,
I’ve been working on boundaries since 2002 when I just completely burned out and told some friends “I want my life back but I don’t know how to define it.” You see, I married a ‘mommy’s girl’ who was in a conflictual, codependent relationship with her mother. After my wife and I had tow boys it was like she emotionally took off to her mother and I sort of became a single parent. I ended up walking on eggshells around her and her very dominating mother. After several years, my wife was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which among other things means not being able to form intimate relationships.
My wife was also overly attached to her identical twin sister with whom she grew up in the same bedroom, sleeping in the same bed through high school and roomed together at an all girls college. For awhile, it was like I was competing with two other women to really have my wife as my wife. For the past 12 years, my wife has been in therapy and made enormous gains so that now we can talk about these things and she is now more fully present with me as a wife and us as a family.
Last night, she was concerned that I have ordered the book Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners for her. I told her no, I bought it because of what I’m digging into deeper in therapy about my mother who is now on her deathbed at 78.
She pointed out that not only did my mother absorb me emotionally into herself to meet her own needs, but not my emotional needs, this also prevented her from meeting my dad’s emotional needs and my step-father’s. Plus, she never developed much of a relationship with my step-father’s children although I did get very close with my almost same age step-brother during our early teen years. My wife claims that background is why I am fearful to some degree of my step-brother now in dealing with unresolved financial problems of my mother and his dad since we both have P.O.A. for he made me swear to never tell anyone about those years. Also, my step-sister who is a year older than me was aware of our relationship, but thankfully never told anyone. I am now much closer to her than to my step-brother.
I’ve been on disability now for 7 years with both depression and bipolar II. I’m burned out on church and any sort of fundamentalist Christianity. I’ve also burned out as the ultra athlete that I was with most recently doing both tae kwon do and power lifting. BTW, I can bench 315 lbs plus I love being around muscular people.
I understand in my head this male bonding issue and it’s the lack of it that is behind much of the male attraction to other men which my mother did not help any with in keeping my dad from me while also engulfing me. Plus, my dad married a very dominating woman who also took my dad away from me.
I’m now understand intellectually that when certain triggers go off in my head that I either must find a really muscular dude to enjoy being with or find some great pics, cartoon drawings or clips. I wish society and the church understood that same sex attraction for both men and women is not really about sex as much as it is about trying to fill a void for intimacy with the same sex parent that we did not get due to covert incest which I’m not totally convinced answers all of it.
One thing I’ve tried to do to break this chain with my boys is to make sure that I have a close relationship with both of them. In many ways I became their therapist during those worst years with their mother. Many of my friends and therapists have told me that I’ve been in the role of the wife in my marriage than the husband and to some degree this is still true but not like it was.
Turns out that my wife has the same issues. My struggles with this and it’s rooted far more in her broken relationship with her mother who was the person who primarily raised her and I think her closeness to her sister was her first substitute for the clossness she did not have with her mother. However, her sister broke away from her emotionally, but she ended up marrying a rather feminized man who struggles with SSA also. My sister in law has been aware of my wife’s SSA which was evidently acted out on once my wife went to grad school without her sister. Turns out that my wife was in a relationship with a woman when we were dating and she became angry about loosing her to me. I did not learn this until years into our marriage.
I’m glad to say that my mother and I have talked about my childhood in depth several years ago before she got into the declined state she is in now residing in a nursing home. She said that she knew what she did years ago in raising me was going to cause me much pain in life, but she could not help that. I admire her for her courage to face this and to share this with me. Her family or origin helps me to understand her in light of my sociology major. So, I don’t judge her.
My parent-child experience also led me to seek out a woman who be basically the ‘mom I did not have’, but I married someone like my mother and a woman several years older than myself.
My sister in law has a masters in Sociology and tells me that in Southern Culture the role of the wife is viewed as continuing the mother’s work and thus the man remains a boy. I have really seen this in the country and more remote areas of my state. She is concerned that my wife’s attachment to our youngest son and trying to pull him away from her might have created my own issues in him. He is 17 and has never had a girlfriend unlike his older brother. I took James to Hooters for lunch and noticed that he hardly even looked at those girls. Dang!
My sister in law and I have a very emotionally intimate relationship. She knows about my hang ups and her sister’s. Thankfully, she’s avoided all invitations to sleep with my wife in bed like old times when visiting weather I’m there or not. In her marriage she is more the husband than the man is. We both feel like we are the only ones in our families who really listen and are aware of how we are doing. She’s been a survivor of ovarian cancer since 2001. Whenever she dies, you might as well lock me up in the funeral home for an entire day and night so I can cry my heart out. However, whenever my mother dies, which will probably be sooner, I have no idea what I will do, but my wife should not be surprised if I don’t go out to some night clubs.
My wife and I can now talk openly about our mutual bisexuality, but because of the boys have agreed to not act it out although the fantasy is fun.
I’ve not found it as easy to talk or write about my journey as a mama’s boy as right now. Earlier in therapy, I found it helpful to create short movies in my lap top using various clips, cartoons, pics with transitional statements that I created. I’d show these to my therapist and it has helped him understand what is going on inside of me when I can’t say it.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future. I know that God has known all of this about me long before I came to see it. He loved me unconditionally then and God loves me now. I’m am still learning to love myself and am accepting myself more fully as time goes on.
I would not wish my journey on anyone, but I see this happening over an over again with the interactions I see either with single moms or married and their sons.
Hello Donna,
I have just read a new psychology book and discovered that most of my problems that I have identified over the last 5-8 years have been due to ‘convert incest’. I am just wondering where to go next with this problem. I want to recover and move forward from what has happen. I want to be able to share proper intimacy and feel more confident.
Over the last two years I have been doing self help to try and improve my self-esteem which is still going slowly but I never realised how deep the damage had been done. I am a love and sex addict.
I was the youngest of three girls, my mum is bi-polar and I never remember my mum and dad together. My older sisters left to live with their dad(not mine) when they were 13/14 and I was the only one living with my mum for the rest of the time they are 9/10 years older so I think I would have been around 3/4 years old when they left. I can not remember any of my childhood I have blocked it all out.
I would say my mum is also a love and sex addict, she has had a string of unavailable men in her life either married already or just not able to commit. I have never observed a real functional relationship between a man and woman, I want to break this cycle and not let it continue down the generations any more. I am 24 and currently living in thailand at the moment, all of my family live in England. I will be going home next year to continue studying, i am wondering what I can do next to move forward from this while I have a gap from my family so I do have the current effect.
I was a surrogate partner for my mother for many years, I was the only person she lived with for many years and the person used to complain about men or her lovelife. Any problems she had. I was the parent in the house for many years.
I found your article analysis very interesting from my perspective. Do you have any feelings or opinions on my story or where I could move on from here…?
Thanks for reading
Christina
Hi Christina, at 24 sounds like its time for you to parent yourself with the help of a good therapist as your guide.
You likely can’t do that alone as you’ve never had the modelling to draw upon.
Good luck in finding one.
Arts may also help you in constructive self dialogue.
Donna *)