Bullies - its time to reconsider what’s ‘normal’.
With up to 60% of people with Asperger’s Syndrome reporting being bullied in secondary schools on a daily basis we have an epidemic of intolerance which points at a currently undiagnosed and far more widespread and damaging pathology than Asperger’s Syndrome will ever be. Others reports put figures at closer to 90%.
What kind of soulless society is being bred with this sort of damaging hierarchical dynamic being so commonplace? Who is helping bullying (but seemingly ‘normal’) individuals so threatened with difference and diversity they feel compelled to corner already disempowered and vulnerable people and further disempower them? Who taught these children that they had the right to be judge and jury over others? It’s time we called it what it is… children lacking empathy, emotional intelligence, a sense of justice and equality. Often these individuals band together with followers and wannabes, as if their power in numbers justifies their self righteous, presumed ‘normality’.
Who brought these people up? Video games? DVDs? TV? Where was their moral and emotional education and where did society, community and family fail to reinforce REAL empathy, a real sense of equality? Were these swept aside in favor of keeping up with the latest trends or making sure little Johnny or little Joanie were reminded too often of their own presumed ‘normality’ or even encouraged to strive for some kind of celebrated, presumed superiority? How much would such children fear falling from these lofty, artificial heights and fight to maintain these mindsets?
Just because someone can PERFORM a semblance of empathy (for whatever vested interests of inclusion or popularity) for those they consider worthy as their ‘peers’, doesn’t make it REAL empathy. Similarly, just because someone on the autistic spectrum lacks a simultaneous sense of self and other or has a processing or visual perceptual challenge which makes them too literal to understand the deeper significance of what they see or hear or read body language or facial expression, this doesn’t equate to a lack of empathy (as often wrongly presumed).
Who failed to teach so called ‘normal’ bullies of the rich social tapestry of diversity or equality in difference? Who gave these bullies the presumptions they were so much more normal than others till their narcissism could no longer perceive the pathology of THEIR own condition, THEIR lacking? If we teach such children that others are ‘broken’ versions of themselves, we are may be reinforcing the bullies own superiority and reinforcing paternalistic ’sympathy’ in others - neither of which promote a diversity friendly version of equality in difference.
Sixty to ninety percent. SIXTY to NINETY PERCENT.
As 1 in every 150 people (and climbing) becomes diagnosed on the autistic spectrum, may we seek to stay visible in their communities, be invited to their classrooms, graduate to teach their children and educate their communities. May we present them where we can with our intact humanity, our lack of hierarchy, our rare realness and honesty, perhaps even humility, and lay at their feet our stories of additional social phobia, social anxiety, depression, PTSD which we’ve lived with, perhaps risen above. Let us lay these at the feet of those who gave such blessings to us for many of us on the autistic spectrum are so much more empathic and human in spite of, sometimes because of such things, than some of them may ever be.
For this, let us help them and their children and their children’s children, to stop hiding behind bravado and smug assurance of their own mythical ‘normality’.
Adults with autism can also step forward to offer to support those in the community who are marginalised, friendless, vulnerable, even traumatised and remind them to stand tall, stand strong and that they are not broken or damaged ‘non autistic people’ at all, but damned fine people with autism.
Hi Donna,
I’m a regular ‘lurker’ to your blog and always read it with interest.. However, this time i wanted to say a great big thank you..
Just now - it’s the easter holidays, i have one son, who’s eight and has a diagnosis of AS. He is funny, articulate, loving, thoughtful, all those wonderful things and more - but he has no-one to be/play with over these school holidays - no-one wants to play with the ’special needs’ kid.
The thank you is for putting into words what i have struggled to articulate to others - it’s not always the ‘kid with special needs’ who needs the support and help - it’s very, very often the other children (and more often, adults) around him that need educating………
((hugs))
You write the bullies are “children with a severe impairment in empathy, a severe impairment in emotional intelligence, a severe impairment in sense of justice and equality.”
Wrong. They are children. You view them as adults. Yes if they were adults they would have what you mention, but they are not adults. Children/adolescents, quite often, do not have developed capacities for empathy, emotional intelligence, sense of justice and equality, and much more. They’re learing. Unfortunately those who are shy, different, “wierd’, “strange”, and whatever, will sometimes be subjected to their verbal and physical outlashes. An issue: make parents, teachers, school officials aware of how to observe for signs of this abuse, instruct children that they should report all instancts of abuse right away (and to use phone-video of it or tape recordings if they can do this). This will smoke out the abusers and subject them to being helped about how to treat the disadvantaged, different, disabled, etc, better.
Many Asperger’s individuals are bullies themselves. many take out their frustration with their problems on others (girls, younger children, parents) with verbal and sometimes physical abuse).
True Alen,
one struggle I have is that I see all humans as equal. I do see children as ‘just small undeveloped humans’ so I see them similarly to how I see adults who may also be more or less developed. I also think some kids choose to develop a sense of justice, empathy, equality from very young with little help, whilst others it is either not in their vested interest or personality makeup to do so regardless of whether modelling is provided or not. We all have strengths and weaknesses and those for whom empathy, justice, equality are their weaknesses need more than modelling, they need to find a vested interest in why having such traits may work for them even if they don’t come naturally to those individuals.
You are also right that SOME kids with Asperger’s are bullies. But I’ve worked with over 600 people on the spectrum in 12 years as a consultant and I can certainly say its my experience that these kids aren’t the usual among kids with Asperger’s. I’ve met them and I’d say that among those teens with Asperger’s I’ve seen the bullies constituted perhaps 10% of this population. Compare that to 90% of the Asperger’s population being bullied on a daily basis. One factor may be that one of the bases for bullying is an intact sense of simultaneous self and other enough to consistently and cohesively PERCEIVE heirarchy. As lack of simultaneous self and other is one of the most shared and striking features of those on the autistic spectrum, perhaps this explains why bullying by those with Asperger’s isn’t as high as bullying to those with Asperger’s. Also, those who are daily being bullied may be more likely to vent on the next most vulnerable person to themselves, often those who love them and will forgive them or their younger, weaker siblings. Others of course just clam up and hide what’s happening to them.
Hello,
Thank you for your thoughts. I am curious as to what “sense of simultaneous self and other” means. It is not clear to me.
Dear Donna,
I just devoured ‘Nobody Nowhere’. I have cried, I have had shivers all over my body. I am considered “normal” I suppose, but I don’t really see myself that way at all. I am a support worker working with people with learning difficulties, some of them with some degrees of autism, but not very many. I would love to work more with people with autism - I have read three autobiographies by autistic people now and I am fascinated. Just the fact that they exist, that they are part of humanity, makes me think that there cannot (by definition) be anything wrong with them. They are part of us. We are all connected. I practise yoga and meditation regularly, and there’s so much from those eastern philosophies that I believe could help us “normal” people understand you. But then, I have always believed in “individuality” more than in “normality”. We are all unique, regardless of which “society-built category” we fall into. We are all unique, we all have a Heart which is the most important thing we have and should listen to, as much as (or more than?!) intellectualised/societised “rights and wrongs”. Categories and labels and value judgements which society provides, they make most of us stop paying attention. But those of us who still pay attention, and look deeply, they can see that autistic people are like all of us: they want to be happy. I don’t know if I’m talking nonsense. It doesn’t matter. I’ll stop here. Thank you so much for being you. Thank you so much for writing your books. You have reached my heart, completely.
Love,
vio
Thanks for bringing attention to the awful treatment that many kids with asperger’s and other types of autism have to live through. I was one of those kids a long time ago and am still recovering in some ways. Might never recover in other ways.
I think that both descriptions (Donna’s and alen’s) are true of the child bullies. It may not be their fault that they are how they are, but that does not change the reality of the way their behavior affects the children that they are bullying. I agree that it is up to parents, teachers, and other caretakers to teach these children that ‘different’ does not equal ‘bad’ and to value and respect other people. Still, the actual behavior of these bullies needs to be dealt with in a way that stops them from doing it while they are learning not to do it!
“…remind them to stand tall, stand strong and that they are not broken or damaged ‘non autistic people’ at all, but damned fine people with autism…”
YES. Thank you for that
A good post there. One thing I was taught was that most bullies were cowards. I experienced bullying in my last five years of compulsory education. Most of this was name calling, or through persons trying to get me to do silly things, which were against my will.
Sometimes it was jealousy. They probably wondered how they draw like me, or recall chunks of seemingly useless information. Most of it died down when they had to study for their GCSE exams and focus on coursework. I found it better at college, because of the wider age range in each class.
A simultaneous processing of sense of self and other is one in which people can read a facial expression/body language/keep up with incoming language and actions of another person WHILST consciously experiencing their own expression, thoughts, feelings with the capacity to monitor and alter those according to perceived social or personal interests.
In a lack of simultaneous processing of self and other one perceives other but loses processing, expression, monitoring on the self level or, conversely experiences self but cannot process, monitor or modify according to information that is simultaneously coming from a source that is ‘other’.
I wrote extensively about this in my 9 books, perhaps most clearly in Everyday Heaven, and in The Jumbled Jigsaw.
… Donna Williams
http://www.donnawilliams.net
Hi Donna,
I respect your opinion on this.
But bullying is the rule of the jungle. It always was alway will be. I don’t endorse it and I was bullied like hell in high school. In Uni bullying took the form of quiet ignorance. It was hell too.
Yet I never did wise up to the fact that I was so obviously different. To me that was the norm, and they were different.
Knowing what you are, knowing your limits is empowering.
I am now on the other side of 40 and could and could NOW recognize the symptom in relatives, BEFORE i actually faced the chilling reality that I myself is a classis HFAD.
Personally think that parents should nurture and build a character of steel in their “endangered” child. They should also be tought the power in their difference. Many of us are born leaders with a debilitating lack of social skills. Some make it to self-transformation to high offices in adulthood without knowing that they inflict social stress on their subordinates daily.
I am now empowered by knowing my condition.
In fact facing the prospect of not having any rehabilitative reference groups in Victoria, Australia I decided to set up one for adult males, such as myself. I wonder if you would know of any suitable help.
It feels good to talk to someone who can listen.
Ably auties don’t enjoy of being alone, they just need motivation.
Bless your heart Donna
O Newhouse
Hi Otti,
have you looked at http://www.auties.org ?
we have activities clubs and dinner clubs for people on the spectrum, including some listed in Victoria.
if there’s nothing directly near you then http://www.auties.org is also where you can start your own and let others know about it.
check it out.
Hi Donna,
I tried to ask help to set up a group from http://www.autismvictoria.org.au.
I also contacted beyondblue with the same wish. I doubt if they’ll get back to me. I also left a post on the HFAD Fife forum (just one day before an apparent overhaul. That’s my luck
So no one answers as quickly as you do, good on you. I’ll try your link and may be set up my list. See how I go. But I’ll let you know about it.
Yours is my best pointer so far.
Otti
http://www.fun-led-light.com/about_funledlight.html
One question to all, that bugs me.
Did you feel angry, when bullied or kind of sedated / forgiving.
Kind of oh-well, I am the victim, can’t do anything about it. It comes and goes like a storm gathers.
So did you feel angry. Do you hold that anger still? Hope Donna allows me to ask these questions on her thread.
I think this may go to the heart of bully-autie rels. Because neuro-typicals do get angry in an instant. And they do want vengence. I never ever thought for vengence or felt the need for one.
I felt, hey I can explain myself out of this. But always after it happened. So I’d be prepared next time. But of course I wasn’t.
Guess non of were
Gee, I find so much wisdom in this thread. I think bullying is something that can be changed and will be changed. I just feel it. But I tell you what. It will not be a neuro-typical who will make it happen.
If I could see it reversed, our weaknesses made to strength in this - hey that would be my vengence. We just need to work on it.
I could spend my whole day on this thread. But I better get back to work
Cheers all
I contacted two interesting listing points and I must tell Angelica Rose’s Drama for Everyday Life is like a leaf out of my wishlist for the spectrum
Here is my listing at auties.org, would you be so kind to perhaps spread the words?
http://www.auties.org/dinnerclub/listings///240/edit//0/
(under Melbourne East based Club and pen-friendship
As you can see I too also try to give first to get something back perhaps
Thanks again for the pointer, I already feel indebted
Hi Otti,
all the best with your autism friendly dinner club and pen-pal list.
Donna, I think the problem with bullies, bullees and bullyiers is slightly different than what you describe. What happens in the sad phenomenon is because at the age of teen-age, the children have a strong need to conformity to a group. When they don’t recognize someone to belonging to “their” group, they start discriminating him or her.
The main issue is teaching children of any age WHAT is discrimination and how damaging its effects are. Studies and experiments have shown - very sadly - that someone who is discriminated against when given a chance to discriminate is very likely to be even more cruel in a sort of retaliation. Awareness is one thing, prevention another, and I personally have no ready made solution to offer. I am just very concerned and wanting to be involved in fighting against bullying as I am fighting against any kind of discrimination.
In my opinion, it goes further than only empathy. It is a core value that has to be carried over with education … I don’t want to say that many parents are not taking over this job anymore, because it could be a generalization on my part, but in the back of my mind, this is also what I believe.
Thank you for your honest and powerful post. Having dealt with bullying in my past and currently working on dealing with it through my blog, I couldn’t agree with your comments more.
I also have a great friend, who’s son has Aspergers and must deal with the cruilty of being bullied at school daily. He has little idea what he can do about it and why it is due to his Aspergers. Thanks for bringing this to the forefront.