Polly's pages (aka 'Donna Williams')

Ever the arty Autie

Where do Aspie men meet Aspie women?


The meeting by Donna Williams For every 700 Aspie men, there will apparently be only 200 Aspie womenAs a world traveled ‘famous’ autie, I meet a gazillion Aspies. Gay men exist in the Aspie population just as much as they do in the non-autistic population, and I’ve met gay, lesbian, bisexual and transexual people on the autism spectrum and also those with ‘Identity Disorders’ who have both male and female personas regardless of their biological gender. But by and large, the majority of male Aspies I’ve met are straight and the majority of female Aspies I’ve met are lesbians or are those born before Asperger’s Syndrome was a diagnosis and were already married with children by the 1960s, 70s and 80s. So given there are only 200 Aspie women to every 700 Aspie men in society, those straight male Aspies looking for someone ‘like themselves’ may go a long time without relationships. So just how many straight Aspie women are there?

Well, I don’t thing there are any stats on this. I would say, however, that one of the interesting things about Aspie women is that many who are today lesbians, since having been diagnosed with Aspergers in the 1990s, in fact USED TO BE MARRIED and often HAD KIDS. Having heard their stories, Many of them were unable to gain ongoing employment and marriage and kids was a way to either leave one’s parents and gain ‘freedom’ or a way to stay off the streets. So they generally got with non-autistic men and most often they felt they couldn’t relate, had become ‘furniture’, felt that without being able to socialise and converse in a non-autistic manner they had become only valued as sex objects or mothers of these husbands’ children, and so, their diagnosis sometimes freed them from this ‘obligation’. Once ‘freed’ they generally sought out other women like themselves and many of these women had either never been in a relationship or had been in relationships like their own. So it was sometimes natural that either these once married women were always lesbians (and many will tell you that) or that they simply found lesbian relationships with Aspie-friendly women more fulfilling than with non-autistic men.

So, at a guess, if I thought of 20 Aspie women I have met, I’d say that among those over 30 years old, perhaps 60% identify as lesbian. So that would leave 8 out of every 20 Aspie women over 30 years old, would perhaps be straight. I’d say my experience of the rate of gay Aspie men among the general male Aspie population would be around 10% . So for every 70 Aspie men, around 7 might be gay.

So going back to our 200 Aspie women to every 700 Aspie men, we could say there might be 80 straight Aspie women to every 630 Aspie men.

Aspie men do marry non-autistic women. Sometimes these women are ‘carer types’ who find these men ‘sweet’, ‘innocent’, ‘naive’ and some believe that with their love and guidance they will ‘get better’… its the Florence Nightingale thing… and when these men remain naive and Aspie and fail to read her facial expression, tone of voice, body language or get all the non-autistic protocols wrong and obsess for 10 years, many of these non-autistic women become burned out and move on, though some do not and there are some good marriages between these two worlds.

Aspie women also marry non-autistic men and some are very happy that way. Because naivete in Aspie women brings out the protectiveness of some non-autistic men, their marriages are more likely to last than those of Aspie men to non-autistic women. Especially if the Aspie woman also has children to a non-autistic husband. This means there are likely more Aspie men whose non-autistic partners left them than there are Aspie women whose non-autistic partners left them.

So lets go back to our rough stats. If there’s maybe 80 straight Aspie women to every 630 Aspie men then probably 5% of those straight Aspie men will be in marriages to non-autistic women and around 50% of those straight Aspie women will be in marriages to non-autistic men. This puts the figures like this: There might be around 40 straight Aspie women to every 600 straight single Aspie men.

So where are they, how might you meet them and who else might you meet instead who might find a straight Aspie man their ‘thang’?

OK, the straight, single Aspie women I have known are often socially phobic. So they mostly don’t go out and will rarely go to a social event. However, they often enjoy book shops, libraries and churches – places they can be without fearing being ‘hit upon’. They may be ok with meeting an Aspie male, but many, perhaps 80-90% have already been used and abused by non-autistic males, so these women are usually very nervous of standard ‘pick up’ lines of being ‘hit upon’. If you do meet one, it’s pretty essential you chill out, be as calm and genuine as you can be, and aim for friendship not sex. Aspie women who have been used and abused by non-autistic men will sometimes be glad of a friendship with an Aspie man and it might or might not ever lead to sex, but most of these kinds of women need to feel they are relaxed, safe, and enjoy your company long before THEY want sex from a partner. These women may have previously complied with the sexual demands of non-autistic men in exchange for acceptance, so they may be rightfully upset if ANY man pressures or tries to co-erce them into sex. The key is, try to forget the idea of sex, focus on being a good friend, and if the pair of you get to eventually find you are close enough to want to have sex, then let each other know. But with traumatised Aspie women, it is best to wait for THEM to tell you they are interested to take the relationship beyond friendship. Just let them know, ONCE YOU HAVE ALREADY FORMED A STRONG ONGOING FRIENDSHIP that IF they wanted to, that you would be interested.

So what if you’re not religious or don’t read books?

There’s the Unitarian Church which requires only that you are spiritual, not religious and there are also Buddhist and other meditation centres, but be prepared to be quiet. You can find these around the world, do a Google search.

There’s picture books and text books with indexes.

There are also many straight Aspie men who find that straight women aged 10-20 years older than them are more accepting of them as potential partners. There are dating forums for older women to find partners ie women over 30s, over 40s, over 50s etc where Aspies might find someone older than them who might be far more accepting than a non-autistic partner their own age or younger.

Many straight Aspie men also meet non-English speaking women, foreign students or those seeking marriages out of their country – what used to be called ‘mail order brides’ and there are many dating forums where people can meet women interested in such relationships.

Straight Aspie men may also find there are ‘parallels’ between their Aspie stuff and women with ADHD, Acquired Brain Injury, dyslexia, Tourette’s, OCD, Bipolar or learning disabilities. There are many online forums through which to meet people with other disabilities and women with these may feel more akin to men with disabilities of their own. You Tube has many women with disabilities who have made clips and allow comments and telling them your appreciation of their clip may be a way of ‘dropping by and saying hello’.

Remember that forming a friendship is about saying hi and giving people FREEDOM and CHOICE. It is NOT about pestering, stalking, pursuing or stalking anyone. Do not obsess on people. Obsession is also not liking someone. Liking someone is a gentler process and people should be free to also say you are not their taste. Eventually someone will think you are their taste but not everyone. Accept this. Also accept that Aspies are often an ‘acquired taste’, they are NOT everyone’s thing, but they can usually be somebodies thing. Try not to be ME, ME, ME. Try to be kind, thoughtful and think about what you can give BEFORE you fixate on what you want to take. To be a good friend or partner you have to be GOOD VALUE. If you are selfish, too bolshy, too loud, then work on being more generous, thoughtful, gentle, and more easy going. Friendly does NOT mean ‘in people’s faces’. Calm yourself, do breathing exercises, take breaks. Social-emotional development takes time, you don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to try and be good value.

You can make a FREE BLOG for yourselves at http://www.wordpress.com and start writing (interesting, positive) things to meet people who leave comments. You can even put a photo up there of yourself and tell people about yourself. Places like My Space, Face Book and YouTube are other ways you can put something up to tell people about yourself and maybe meet people… but of course BE CAREFUL, because people writing to you may not be who they appear to be so DONT put your phone number up there and always meet people in a SAFE public place, perhaps even take someone with you, and don’t allow yourself to get lured away by people. Get to know them over time in a safe and public place. I’m no expert here, far from it. You can find websites about social safety, so go read them.

You can form activities clubs and dinner clubs via http://www.auties.org or join existing ones there. It can be a way of meeting others on the spectrum and every now and then women may be part of these groups. there is also an Aspie dating site http://www.aspieaffection.com/

Straight Aspie men who are just looking for sex shouldn’t pester, stalk or pursue anyone. It will only lead to trouble, usually their own.

In some countries there are legal, clean, sex businesses where sex workers charge a fair rate for their work. It’s important to distinguish these businesses from illegal brothels which exploit vulnerable women. Those employing prostitutes should always make sure they use condoms and avoid contributing to the misery of women who are forced into prostitution through poverty or addiction.

Then there’s the whole issue of how to spot a straight Aspie woman.Β  Well if you meet an Aspie woman with a shaved head and Doc Martin boots, then be aware this is almost a ‘lesbian uniform’Β  πŸ˜‰

Now these are all GENERALISATIONS but here’s some basics about spotting and increasing your chances of meeting or being interesting to an Aspie woman.

The straight Aspie women I’ve met tend to have the fashion style of Ugly Betty so don’t expect fashion queens because most are not.Β  Most don’t wear make up or perfume.Β  Many detest the smell of perfumes or aftershaves although they are also sensitive to the smell of unwashed bodies or clothes so WASH.

Many Aspie women love shiny, sparkly or fluffy objects so this may be reflected in their jewery, key fobs, hand bags or clothing.Β  It also means that if YOU have a buzzy key fob such Aspie women may be more likely to look at you than if you are good looking!

Many Aspie women read, some read psychology or philosophy books, some read science fiction or fantasy fiction, so carrying a book is a reasonable idea to make it easier for an Aspie woman to take an interest or dare ask an introductory question which might lead to a conversation.

Most Aspie women do not go to night clubs and are not in the drug or binge drinking scene.Β  Think more along the lines of a picnic in the park, going to a movie, visiting the ducks.

Some Aspie women have over protective parents, even night time curfews!Β  So expect you might have to meet the parents, be inspected and not stay out after 8pm even if she’s 25!

Are you an Aspie woman?

If you are lesbian, were you ever in a straight relationship, married or had children? If so, what lead to you moving into gay relationships?

If you are straight and in a relationship, is it with a non-autistic person and how do you find this?

If you are a straight Aspie woman and single, what type of person is your ideal partner? And where would you usually meet people?

Are you an Aspie-friendly woman but don’t have Asperger’s? What has made your relationships work? Or what do you find appealing about Aspie men?

And here’s a sweet video of someone with Asperger’s who had a failed marriage who found happiness again http://au.youtube.com/user/chemer2012

I hope to read some of your comments.


Donna Williams *)

author, artist, composer, screenwriter